Ep 180: Redefining the Path to Motherhood with Cheri Bergeron
Fertility Forward Episode 180:
Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussion of pregnancy loss and fertility challenges. Please take care while listening, and pause if you need to.
Motherhood doesn’t always follow a traditional script, and you don’t need a fairytale to build a family. In this powerful episode of Fertility Forward, best-selling author, speaker, and life coach Cheri Bergeron joins us to share her extraordinary journey to parenthood on her own terms. From navigating IVF and donor conception to facing unimaginable loss and ultimately winning a landmark custody case in Texas, Cheri opens up about the decisions, detours, and resilience that shaped her family. She reflects on the emotional toll of fertility struggles, the importance of genetic testing, and the support systems that made all the difference. We also explore how Cheri’s experiences inspired her nonprofit, Cheri’s Choice, and her memoir, Mission Motherhood, both of which were created to help women explore alternative paths to parenthood. Tune in to hear how one woman turned pain into purpose and why hope and self-advocacy are essential companions on the fertility journey!
Rena: Hi everyone, we are Rena and Dara and welcome to Fertility Forward. We are part of the wellness team at RMA of New York, a fertility clinic affiliated with Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City. Our Fertility Forward podcast brings together advice from medical professionals, mental health specialists, wellness experts, and patients, because knowledge is power and you are your own best advocate.
Dara: Today on our podcast, we have Cheri Bergeron, who is an author, blogger, public speaker, trained life coach, and founder of the nonprofit, Cheri's Choice, guiding women through alternative paths to motherhood. Following a successful career in IT, Cheri now helps single women weigh their options, navigate fertility challenges, and build families on their own terms. Her personal fertility journey included becoming a mother without a partner through IVF treatments and donor conception. She won a landmark Texas law family law case that challenged outdated legislation concerning families formed through assisted reproduction. In her memoir, Mission Motherhood, Cheri shares her experiences with relationships, workplace challenges, and choosing motherhood after 40. She details her struggles with IVF and the realities of geriatric pregnancy.
Cheri: Thank you for the air quotes.
Dara: Today, from her home in Austin, Texas, she empowers ambitious women to reject limiting fairy tales and boldly chart their own path to motherhood, even without Prince Charming. I love it. This is - what a great bio. Super cute. We're so happy to have you on today.
Cheri: Thank you so much for having me. It's really a great pleasure.
Rena: Yeah, thank you for taking the time and sharing your story. What an inspiring path and journey. I love that you are speaking up and sharing this with other women who may not be as outwardly brave as you were.
Cheri: You know, I felt it was so important to share my story because I probably made more missteps than the average person. And my journey to motherhood. And I really think that if I had had better information at the beginning, I probably would have spared myself some pain and heartache. And so that's really the intention behind my book is to help other women make that path smoother than mine was.
Rena: Amazing. So tell us about your path and the bumps and what you've learned and what you would repeat, what you wouldn't.
Cheri: Oh, my goodness. Well... I went into the whole fertility process blindly. I don't know if your listeners feel this way. I didn't really think about fertility much. In fact, mostly I was concerned about not getting pregnant for much of my adult life. And we're taking birth control and trying to be responsible citizens. And I started to pursue my career very strongly. And there was just never a great time to put that on pause where I'm an internally driven person and enjoyed my work. And my love life just never really came together. I had a number of false starts. And by the time I got into my 30s, I really started to feel the pressure of that biological clock. And so I made the decision to kind of rush a relationship. We dated for about 10 months with the intention of having a child. And one of the big criterias was always, can I have a child with this person? Would they make a good father? Those kinds of criteria. And by the time I got into my mid thirties and I got married at 36, it didn't just happen. You know, getting pregnant just wasn't an easy thing. And so I tried some other paths. I was a foster parent for a time. For about seven months I had a sweet little girl in my home and that unfortunately did not work out for me, but the process inspired some other people who did create their own families. And so that was really, you know, I think a really important journey for me. And after that didn't work out, I really started to pursue IVF and assisted reproduction.
Rena: Wow. And at this point though, you were single now or you were still in your marriage?
Cheri: I was married at the time and there were a number of things that happened in that process. So I force-fit this fairy tale that I thought I needed to have, which was a prerequisite to become a mother, so I thought. And after we got into the marriage, I realized that we really weren't very aligned. We weren't aligned on, would he step forward in a career so I could step back, for example. We weren't aligned on some other values. I found out during the foster process that it was very important for him to have a child that looked like him. And so we were pursuing children of color and that revealed some prejudices. And so our relationship started crumbling kind of in the middle. And if I'd given it more time, that might have been a different decision. So then when we started getting to assisted reproduction, we moved forward in creating embryos. But my problem was I did not have good quality eggs. So I made the decision to use an egg donor. And that was a real revelation for me because I didn't know that egg donors existed. I knew that sperm donors existed. But at the time, I didn't know about egg donors. And I was really surprised to learn that if you use a 25, 28 year old egg donor, your probability of having a healthy pregnancy is about the same as a 28 year old. And that was just a revelation to me. I didn't have any idea. You probably talk about that a lot on this podcast, that that's a huge benefit. I had to let go of the idea that I wouldn't share the same genetic material, but that was a very reasonable trade-off for me, very justified to have a healthy child. The problem was we actually started to have some difficulties with the pregnancy and ended up having a late stage termination because my child at what was the... six-month sonogram, five-month sonogram, that big one when they're really able to tell a lot about the child's well-being, had a very severe case of spina bifida and was not going to have any kind of quality of life. And so I had to make the difficult decision at that time to not continue the pregnancy. And so that was a really difficult time. That really strained the relationship. It was already fracturing, but that loss really strained the relationship. So as I moved forward, we really were moving towards separation. And when I became pregnant with my daughter, we were separated.
Rena: That's a lot to go through.
Cheri: Oh, yes. But I mean, my path, as I said, was rocky. The thing about that that's interesting that I think your listeners would want to know is that I used one of the best fertility doctors in town, but what came out later is that they did not test my husband for genetic defects. And women go through a litany of tests and even sperm donors go through a litany of tests. But for the man in a relationship, they'll give the man a sexually transmitted disease test, STD tests, but they won't give them genetic testing if there's no pre-existing family history. And we found that out after multiple losses and a lot of suffering from my children. And so one of the things I really feel strongly about is - get your partner tested no matter what - because that test would have cost about $3,000. Had I known that, and you're spending so much money on fertility anyway, it's well worth it to make sure that you have a full set of information about the embryos that you have.
Rena: Sure, absolutely. So you then, you had ended your relationship and then continued on with the pregnancy?
Cheri: That pregnancy ended with the health conditions of my daughter. And then we had some documents that we'd created that he had said he didn't want involvement in any future children if we weren't together and things like that. So I proceeded to have twins implanted or two embryos implanted, I should say, and continued with a pregnancy and became pregnant with twins. And this is right at the time that our relationship fractured. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm going to be a single mother of twins! That was a little bit, that caused a few heart palpitations. But then very early in that pregnancy, we had health problems. Again, we were using, at this point, we were using those same sets of embryos because we hadn't had that genetic test. And so I was in a high-risk pregnancy then under the care of a maternal fetal medicine doctor and about 34 weeks gestation, I want to say, we had to have an emergency C-section to try to save my son. And it turns out that he had another rare genetic condition that his lungs weren't fully developed. And he lived for 19 days. At the same time, my daughter was... very premature, but in better condition. And so the good news is my daughter is alive and well and 12 years old now and advanced. And so, but I did go through 40 days in the NICU, which was a harrowing experience for any parent. So that was a extremely difficult experience to watch my son suffer for 19 days. So again, this notion of get the man tested, get full information. There could be an undiagnosed medical condition that really can be life-threatening. And so that was kind of the end of children with my estranged husband at that point.
Dara: Wow! Cheri, you've been through a lot. I can only imagine how challenging that was for you. Did you have a support system at all in terms of friends or any family that were there?
Cheri: The support system is really so critical. My mother was with me the entire time and really has been the role model of the kind of mother I wanted to be. And so she came and lived with me and has been a daily part of my children's lives for the last 12 plus years, which has been an incredible blessing for me. The amazing thing is I actually had a neighbor next door who was a grief counselor who specialized in neonatal loss. And...it was insane. You know, how is it that your next door neighbor and I had known him having other careers. He really didn't talk about this, but I, at that time, when I was so deep in my grief over my daughter, I worked from home and I wouldn't go anywhere. And right next door was the person who was able to support me and we would have sessions, but I didn't, I only had to go a few steps. So that support system is so important. One of the problems when you have loss though, is it's very difficult for people to want to enter into that because the loss of a child in particular is probably one of the most devastating that we can imagine and people don't want to imagine it. And so it was very difficult for people to enter in. And also when I would have go into my next pregnancy, when I was with the twins, people were afraid to say congratulations or how's it going or any of those kinds of things because they were so concerned about, you know, was it going to work out?
Rena: What a story. And you said children now. So it sounds like you went on to have another one after your daughter?
Cheri: I did. I did. And so. You can imagine with all that financial expense, there I was sitting with stored embryos, but it would be irresponsible to use them. So how about start all over again? And so I used a new egg donor because the former egg donor was no longer available. And I used a sperm donor, which was actually the most fun part of the process, I have to say. That was like the best kind of dating where you didn't have to excuse yourself from the happy hour prematurely or anything. You get to read, you know, there's a rich set of information out there. You have all kinds of pictures from childhood to adulthood and profiles and all of this information. And so I made a decision there and they even have this face match technology. Are you guys aware of this? Where you can, oh my gosh. Well, so you can type in like George Clooney. Is there a hit for someone who looks like…Hey, I mean… I talk about this in my book. This was the best part ever! It was a group sport. So my mother, the nanny, we're all in this, you know, Brad Pitt! I just went through, you know, Bradley Cooper, Blake Shelton, you know, and I finally, and, unfortunately, there weren't a lot of hits for those, but I put in John F. Kennedy Jr. And I got a hit. So I have to say that my son has John John's good looks. So what happened there is I started again and now I'm older. So I had my daughter at 43. I had my son when I was a couple months shy of 46 and my pregnancy was textbook. So, you know, it just goes to show if you've got the right ingredients, that's a big part of the equation. Really, my age was insignificant in that. So my son was full term, eight pounds, one ounce, and has had a perfectly normal development. So I now have my two children.
Rena: Amazing. And what do you share? And I think this will be super helpful for listeners. who are either considering donor or doing path of parenthood, single parent by choice. What's the narrative? And when did you start with your children? That's something people always ask me.
Cheri: I believe that openness is the absolute most healthy way to do that. So there's always age appropriate information. And I did have the help of some therapists. I think that's super important. I simply started with, a doctor helped me have you. That was kind of one of my big parts was to say, you know, I wanted you so much and I had a hard time. And so a doctor helped me have you. And then as they would get older and maybe starting to learn about things like biology, you can have more of a conversation about, you know, well, what ingredients go into making a baby. And I got help with some of that. And, you know, then I have profile information I shared with my daughter and with my son, some pictures of the donors and things. So I'm still learning that. This is really a journey because they, of course, haven't reached adulthood yet. I think just leading with love and being open to whatever that conversation is and free flowing with information is to me the kind of most supportive way. I made these decisions for my own reasons, but I'm starting to learn that they have their own journey and may have their own journey of self-discovery. And I will be here to support them in that, whatever that looks like.
Dara: I love that in terms of being open, saying things that are age appropriate. And I'm sure learning as you go and being that open book for them if they feel like they have questions. So making them feel comfortable, I think, is really important. I would love to hear more about Cheri's Choice and also your book. When did you feel the need to start this nonprofit? And when did you... I mean, the courage to write a book, that's a lot! I would love to hear more about that.
Cheri: So, we haven't finished the drama of the story, so I'll continue forward with that because it really was the inspiration for writing the book. My estranged husband and I kind of carried on for a time. So I had mentioned to you that he had said he didn't want to be part of any children and things like that. Well, promptly after I was pregnant, he changed his mind about that. And it was part of a long line of reversals on his part. But we were committed to co-parenting my daughter and trying to make the best of that situation. And then he was aware that I was pursuing an independent pregnancy, but my daughter was hesitant to go with him. And so I was facilitating visits between them at my home. And of course, I had my son in this process. And I really had this belief that we should have a very peaceful coexistence. And that was the best thing for my daughter. Well, it turns out that because we were still married, that became perilous. My estranged husband had filed papers saying that he was not the father of my son, which was what we all knew. But when he was four years old, he reversed that position and sought to become named my son's legal father. And that is the landmark custody battle that I fought. So this idea that how is it that using an anonymous sperm donor made my son at risk well the system wants to put a father in that daddy box and because we were still married he could make this claim. Well, anyone would say okay well then just get a dna test right that's the way to determine paternity it has been for decades. Problem is there are laws on our books in many states that state that if there's a relationship between that person and the child and it would be harmful for the child if that relationship was removed, then the court can deny a DNA test and actually force your child to live a lie, essentially. So the issue here was he had not been in a fatherly role. He had not lived with him. He had not paid financial support or in any other way really been a father. He had spent some time with him, yes, as part of an extended group, but he'd never spent alone time with him or anything like that. So I had to go and fight that in court and I had to give up visitation, solo visitation with him, which I'd never had before for five months, which was incredibly difficult for me. This was a big reason for writing the book because I was having a total meltdown right before the trial, I learned that an amicus attorney that had to be appointed was going to rule against me and was going to say that he should be, recommend to the court that he be named the father. And at that point, it was one of those moments where your life kind of flashes before your eyes, and I'm on the verge of a panic attack. And I thought, you know, why is all of this happening? I've been through all of these things. I've been through all of this loss. This child is solely mine. Why am I going through this? And to me, it was a very spiritual moment. And what I got back was, you're going through this so you can help other women achieve their dreams of motherhood. And for me, you know, it was one of those moments that kind of gives you chills or in my experience, there was a very quiet calm. And I realized that I needed to use all of these experiences to help other women. And I think all you can do when you go through suffering like that is to try to make meaning from it and to use it to the good of someone else. And so that was really the moment when I realized I needed to write this book. And it's taken me five years in writing it. So Cheri's Choice then is an extension of that. So this was my personal experience, but honestly, everyone has their own journey. And every motherhood journey is different. And every woman has their own values and priorities and resources. So Cheri's Choice is really meant to be one of those resources for women to provide education and counseling and community support so that they can chart their own paths.
Rena: Wow. I mean, what an amazing story and, you know, your strength and perseverance and the path that you forged for other women so they don't have to go through what you went through. Really inspiring.
Cheri: Thank you. I mean, I'm very excited to try to get to women of younger generations as well. You know, we talk about sex ed in elementary school and in middle school, but there's no fertility ed. You know, there really isn't. And a lot of times we seek out that information rather late in the game. I heard a study recently that said that seven out of 10 women don't talk to their doctors about fertility. So there's an issue there. There's an issue on our side as patients and not being proactive. And there's also an issue in the medical community, not really having these conversations. And so this is really my new mission is to try to have some kind of, I jokingly say we're flunking fertility. And that is really a problem. And so I'm really passionate about getting with college-age students and young professionals as well, so that when they're thinking about their future, which college is a time to do that, they're also thinking about their families and what kind of family they want and maybe being more proactive than I was.
Dara: I love that you say that in terms of, because I often think it should be OBGYN's duty to have this discussion when you, you know, start building a relationship with patients to have a discussion. But I love it, you know, taking the ownership back and saying, you know what, it's our duty to go and ask the questions. And it comes with first the knowledge and you're helping to pave the way for that.
Cheri: And so many times there are people who, you know, fertility is such an expensive proposition. And I really want a lot of this information to be readily available and free for women because it's so important. And we have a real birth rate challenge in our country. And I think part of that is, yes, women want to be, pursue their career and things like that. But that doesn't mean women don't want families. But sometimes because we don't have this information, we get put into a position where there aren't any good choices. And I don't want other women to face that. Motherhood is one of the greatest gifts and one of the greatest ways to make generational impact that we can do. And so I measure my success in babies, honestly. Mine and others.
Rena: That's beautiful.
Dara: So in terms of Cher’se Choice, your nonprofit, was that also part of your inspiration of how can I disseminate information, content that's easily accessible to the community?
Cheri: Absolutely. Absolutely. That's the real driving force there. So it is still in its early stages. We hope to roll out services by the end of this year. And I am reaching out. to various universities to see if I can come and speak on this topic. So if anyone's listening, I'm interested in coming and having those discussions with your young ladies because I think this is just a paradigm shift that we need to make so that we as women are in charge of our fertility versus leaving it to chance.
Rena: And if anyone wants to get in touch with you, how should they find you or where can they buy your book?
Cheri: Book’s on Amazon. So it's easy to find there. I have a website, Cheri's Choice, and I also have a website, cheribergeron.com. You can reach out to me on either of those. I'm also on LinkedIn and Facebook and all of those places. So I'm very interested in speaking with people one-on-one, too. As I said, this is really a deep passion of mine, and I care about each individual woman's story and journey.Dara: You're a remarkable woman. I really like the fact that you're making meaning of challenges. You're taking your own situation. I feel like it's something that we see often in this community, but really to take it, you know, the way you even said it, like I in some ways had to go through all these challenging moments in order for people behind me not to have to suffer. I mean, I think that's so admirable that that's how you see it. I think that's a beautiful way of reframing some really, really challenging moments. I'm thrilled that you had a good support system, your next door neighbor, your mother. I think that's beautiful. And really you're helping people. I think it's a great idea to bring it towards college students to really help educate women at a younger age so, you know, hopefully the next generation won't have to struggle so much.
Cheri: That's right. And I will say, too, if you've gone through a lot of trauma, some people may be sitting here wondering, well, how can you talk about the loss of your children with such calm, you know? And there was one really critical piece of that, which was, and I write about this as well, it's a therapy called EMDR. I don't know if you're familiar. Okay, great, you are. So that is eye movement desensitization. And that kind of therapy was a game changer for me because, unfortunately, you do have to relive your losses and things like that. But what I was fascinated to learn was that the survival part of our brain and the cognitive part of our brain don't talk. And so if you go through loss, that is really stored at your survivalist, your reptilian brain. And anything you learn after that doesn't really touch that survivalist part of you. That pain, that trauma is still stored at that very deep level. And this EMDR therapy integrates those two pieces. And so really, I credit my therapist there. I spent four months doing EMDR during COVID because COVID almost cratered me because I had all this trauma. And now I'm sitting there thinking, oh my gosh, I'm going to lose more people. That was really... focal time for me. And I had no choice. I was a puddle on the floor. I had to go get help. And EMDR really helped me lessen that painful trauma and be able to make it something I could deal with. And so I just want your audience to know if they are dealing with trauma, if they have had losses, it's so important to deal with that. Because I knew that if I didn't deal with it, I'd never be the kind of mother that I wanted to be. And I never could go and tell my story if it was already, if it was so acutely painful to me. So I'm very grateful for that. And I think it's a lifesaver for me.
Rena: It's a great reminder. And I think EMDR is super powerful.
Cheri: Absolutely, it is.
Dara: We are so thrilled to have you on our podcast, Cheri. I mean, what a remarkable journey that you've been through. You are the hero in your journey.
Cheri: Aren't we all?
Dara: And you see that, and I see that, and I'm sure everyone else can hear that as well. We're thrilled that you're here and we can't wait for people to hopefully pick up your book to see also where Cheri's choice goes and how it unfolds over time. But we really appreciate you coming on and telling your story.
Cheri: Yeah, thank you. And I do want to say that while I had this very difficult journey, there is always hope. And that's really what I want women who are struggling with infertility to know, that if you believe in your heart that you are meant to be a mother, you can make this happen. It may not look the way that you originally envisioned. It may not be the fairy tale that you originally thought of, but it can still be beautiful and it can be all yours. And so don't Don't give up. Be open to options. Seek out options and keep hope.
Rena: So beautiful. So beautiful. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story. It was really inspiring. And I love your message of strength and hope.
Cheri: Thank you.
Dara: So how we end our podcast is with words of gratitude. So Cheri, what are you grateful for today?
Cheri: I am grateful that I've had the opportunity to share my story with you. Thank you for inviting me. I'm very grateful for that. And I'm very grateful that I have my family that I dreamed of and I get to spend every day watching my children grow. And I know that I'm making a generational impact with them. And so that's the greatest honor I could have.
Dara: So beautiful.
Rena: Beautiful. What about you, Dara?
Dara: I mean, I'm just inspired by this. So yeah, I'm grateful for hearing people's stories, these remarkable stories. And it reminds me, perfect reminder of we are our own heroes in our journey and to follow that and to give back to the people behind us and to find a good support system. And, you know, like finding your next door neighbor, reaching out to your mother, really the importance for me to continue building that support system, how I can help others and how other people. can help me. So, what about you, Rena?
Rena: I think I'm grateful for women and women supporting women and the ability to ask for help and receiving it and to know that I can stand on my own two feet. And yeah, it sounds like all of us can identify with that. So super grateful for that.
Cheri: We stand on our own two feet, but we also benefit from the support, the love and support of others. You know, we don't stand alone. We stand united. So that's great.
Rena: Absolutely. So beautifully said. Thank you so much for coming on.
Cheri: Thank you. I appreciate it.
Dara: Thank you so much for listening today and always remember: practice gratitude, give a little love to someone else and yourself, and remember - you are not alone. Find us on Instagram @fertility_forward and if you're looking for more support, visit us at www.rmany.com and tune in next week for more Fertility Forward.